Love and hope survive grief and disappointment
By BONNIE BURCH, Staff Writer
FRANKLIN — Still grieving after the loss of two babies, Craig and Carisa Burr have found comfort by keeping busy in work that helps other children with medical conditions.
It's been a year since their son, Tallant, passed away after undergoing a surgical procedure associated with a congenital heart defect, the same condition that claimed the life of his older sister, Kaylen, two years earlier.
But there's hope for the future as they begin the journey of becoming adoptive parents. The idea had actually come up long before they had their own children.
''It has always been in our plan,'' Craig said.
''We had wanted to have a large family and adoption was just a way that we could create a big family,'' his wife agreed.
Recently, the Franklin couple completed all the paperwork and attended parenting classes. Now they wait for the call from a local nonprofit adoption agency.
They chose Miriam's Promise because of it's post- and pre-adoption counseling opportunities for both adoptive and biological parents.
''That was something really important to us. We understand the process of giving birth and the emotions of losing a child. We're prepared for an open adoption,'' said Carisa.
Most of the potential adoptive parents in their classes were couples who — unlike them — had never conceived.
''We felt thankful that we were able to have children, that we were able to have that experience,'' she said.
That need for keeping in contact with the birth parents was also another reason the Burrs decided they wanted to go through a domestic adoption agency rather than one that does international adoptions.
''There is nothing wrong with adopting internationally. But we're not just interested in getting a baby. We're also concerned with the birth mother,'' Carisa said.
''Five years from now, we don't want the biological parent to look back on this with regret,'' Craig said.
They would like to adopt a newborn again. But with their background, the family decided that it was probably best if they don't adopt a child who has a serious medical condition, just because the memories of caring for ill children are still fresh.
But they would be more than willing to become a blended family.
''We do have a mix of family members who have embraced other cultures. We have several Hispanic family members and friends,'' Craig said.
No one knows when the couple will get the call informing them they'll be parents again. But Carisa said she's got a feeling it will be by the end of the year.
The couple did try to adopt through another agency earlier but the birth mother decided against it at the last moment. Of course, the Burrs were disappointed. But they said they understood.
Kaylen, their first child, was born Feb. 5, 2002. But soon after her birth, a pediatrician detected a heart murmur. Later she was diagnosed with aortic stenosis, a narrowing of the valves that go into the heart.
Craig had been born with the same heart condition, had survived through several childhood surgeries and had thrived. But Kaylen also had pulmonary stenosis, a narrowing of the valve going into the lungs. They were worried for Kaylen but hopeful that she too would be fine.
But complications set in after their little girl's surgery. She died a week later, at the young age of 5 months old.
Devastated, the couple found comfort in starting the Kaylen Foundation, a nonprofit that provides for needy children and their parents in Monroe Carell Jr. Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt. While attending to Kaylen, they noticed that many of the young patients had few visitors because their parents were either working or having to take care of other children at home.
The foundation provides toys and equipment for the kids and food, gas and telephone cards for the parents.
They wasted no time in their goal of raising money for the children. To finance the foundation's goals, the couple also started a golf tournament, held that same year.
The Burr family's spirits soared again when they welcomed their son, Tallant, into the world. But their joy was short-lived when they found out that he also had the same heart condition.
Tallant had one operation at 2½ months and came through it well. However, at 9 months old, he passed away while undergoing a second operation.
But after the sadness, both the Kaylen Foundation and the golf tournament continue. More people are beginning to recognize the foundation's bunny logo. And with Nashville billboard space donated by Lamar Advertising, the nonprofit will move even further into the public eye. They've also expanded by selling Kaylen Foundation logo merchandise through the Web site.
''Initially, we did this more as a memorial, but we want to move it into a real foundation which concentrates on helping children,'' Craig said.
''It will allow us to step away from the spotlight a little bit,'' Carisa agreed.
The foundation also distributes bereavement boxes to those parents whose children have died and who may want a pretty place to keep mementos. The Middle Tennessee Decorative Artists Association purchases the materials and decorates the boxes.
There is also a new addition to the foundation's work. The third Tuesday of every month, patients can take part in crafts, get their picture drawn by a real artist or listen to some child-centered music all within the hospital's walls through the Kaylen For Kids program.
During such holidays as Halloween, Christmas and Valentine's Day, the ill children also receive bags filled with goodies.
''We've received phone calls and e-mails from parents who just want to drop a line and say thank you for the meal ticket. It's sometimes hard to be there, but you've got to distance yourself. You've got to tell yourself that this is business,'' Carisa said.
Craig agreed that visiting the hospital and seeing kids in similar circumstances as his own children is hard.
''You have to detach yourself from the memories,'' he said.
Parents who plan on staying in the hospital's Pediatric Critical Care Unit with their children get an extended stay tote, which includes gas and phone cards as well as other sundry items such as laundry detergent. Usually, the foundation, which pays $75 for each tote, gives out 15 of those a month.
That's in addition to the high chairs, bouncy seats, toys, books, clothes and exercise discs that the children need. The golf fund-raiser, now in its third year, provides for these items.
''This year, we hope to raise $35,000. That's our goal. In five years, we said we were going to do the (neonatal intensive care unit) as well. If we meet our goal, we can branch off two years earlier than we expected,'' Carisa said.
The last golf tournament raised $23,000. From the beginning, that's more than $33,000 the Kaylen Foundation has generated to date for the children.
This year, the fund-raiser is scheduled for May 16 at the Brentwood Country Club. Golfers can tee off at two times.
The event also includes a speaking engagement with Monroe Carell Jr., the namesake of the children's hospital, and Jennifer Kraus, a NewsChannel 5 reporter, will serve as the honorary chair. There will also be a silent auction.
